I just can’t fucking do this anymore. I have been perfectly fine since the middle of May, but things are different now. I don’t understand why this is happening. I need to cut. My eating disorder is back and I can’t decide on whether to throw it up, skip it, or cry. It doesn’t help that my father constantly tells me I don’t know anything about mental disorders, I’m a bitch, I’m ugly, I wouldn’t have to spend so much time on my work if I were smart, I’m a disappointment, and so many other things. I had to cut my fingernails because if I get bad enough, I’ll literally scratch my skin until I bleed enough. My scars burn. I know exactly where each one is and why I did it. My rapist found my Tumblr, and even though I keep deleting the messages, it’s still hauntingly painful to know he’s fully aware, and even ecstatic, about what he did to me. He keeps telling people it was the other way around. I can’t keep doing this. Everything I’ve kept to myself for the past six months is tearing me down. I just need to get out of this life. I’m sorry.
“I relapsed, I was a month clean of self harm and I relapsed. Now I’m worse than ever.”
Dissociating/having panic attacks/flashbacks around people who have no idea what to do.